I want to be in a relationship, but i don’t know the first thing about being a friend… | Journey2Motivate
Friendships were always limited to at school and to me those seemed more fake than real. As early as i can remember I was always made fun of and bullied. Even at home. Its taken its toll on me mentally and physically.
To this day, going through this has led to trust issues, insecurities, social isolation, depression, anxiety and so much more. There isn’t a day that I don’t feel like the black sheep or feel like I am fighting the demons whispering in my ear. Its an unhealthy life, one that I have been working to grow past but sometimes find myself stuck hitting invisible walls.
When looking at relationships that I have had around me growing up. My parents consistently argued and fought about all types of different things day and night. I was stuck feeling like I had to pick sides. Stuck feeling angry all the time, stuck feeling like my heart was always cold. Something I always hated, but i couldn’t control.
Both relationships and friendships were almost nonexistent. When they were in my life they never lasted long. Friends were not allowed to come over, it was usually a rare occurrence. Always went over to their houses when I could, but it was an escape from what I went through.
Today my circle is really small not because i don’t want friends or a relationship, but because I simply struggle to be social or form a stable friendship that is lasting.
I know what it means to love someone from my experiences but I wouldn’t know the first thing of how to be friends. May be something I always struggle with without a guidance from someone who is willing to see my flaws.
I know when the times right things will fall into the proper places. Until then I will be solo.
“Nobody is ever going to be perfect” and my life is a testament to this.